I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
