We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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