we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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