Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Randomize
