he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
