My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
