seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Randomize
