She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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