Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
