I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
