I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
