seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
