Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Randomize
