I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Randomize
