yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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