guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
