Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
