i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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