my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
