i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
