So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
