So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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