Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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