Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
