Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
