If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
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