It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
