well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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