Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Randomize
