They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
