too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
