and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize