Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
