You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Randomize
