I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
