Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Randomize
