Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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