Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
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