I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
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