Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
