my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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