Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
