Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
