okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
