apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
