Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I wish i was in the wii world.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Randomize
