oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
