we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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