oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Too much gin, very little bucket
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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