i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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